by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Last week I talked about the coming of grape DRANK, a drink designed to reduce tension and stress. Although the ingredients are drug free and approved by the FDA, there is always the possibility that your stress could be reduced to drowsiness. Fortunately, in our high tech world, Mercedes has come out with their new E Class, designed to combat the possible effects of Drank. As one who grew up with cars named Impala, Mustang, Challenger, and Charger, E Class seems like a stupid name for a car. It sounds more like something you would sign up to take on line from National American University. It seems like it could probably be called a Smart car, but that name has already been taken. Why not call the E class a Smart car, and change the name of the Smart to something more appropriate, like a Lumpy. But anyway, for a mere $48,000, you can buy a car that will wake you up if you get drowsy, veer back into your lane if you cross the center line, and totally shut down if you don’t know how to drive, or happen to be texting or checking your cell phone to see how your fantasy football team did on Sunday.
I don’t have an extra $48,000, so I guess I’ll have to stick with my Town and Country minivan, which has very little class at all. But I am waiting for Storm or Brunswick to come out with an E Class bowling ball. A little beeper would go off when it’s your turn to bowl, in case you weren’t paying attention or at the bar ordering another pitcher of Drank. Not only that, but if you toss it a little wide, a gutter sensing device would kick in and return it to the 17.5 board as it hits the pins. If you don’t get enough lift, no problem, it will rev itself up on the way down the lane. Spares? You probably won’t leave many, but if you do, just punch the pin numbers into the GPS system and let it fly.
I know this all sounds like cheating, but the bowling industry owes me because I never had those bumpers pop up in the gutters when I was a kid.
Obviously, a high tech piece of equipment like this will have a high cost. I figure somewhere in the $700 range. But as part of the economic stimulus, Congress is working on a bill that will allow you to trade in your clunker Burgundy Hammer for up to a $450 trade in allowance.
I was fortunate to learn about the Mercedes E class while watching the PGA tournament on television a couple of weeks ago, but I also noticed something else. When Woods yanks his tee shot left, it generally lands in people. When people (like me) yank their tee shot left, it generally lands in woods. So, as a late great Senator from Minnesota once said, “Fry up another batch of bullheads, Muriel, I smell another bowling season coming.”
Good luck and good bowling to all!