My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Not a week goes by when we don’t hear about some adversity within the airline industry. Whether it’s terror threats, high fuel prices, labor issues, or lost baggage, the problems seem to be never ending. Some of the problems seem to be self-inflicted as the carriers can’t seem to decide where to fly, how often, and how much to charge. I wonder how the bowling industry would fare if bowling centers were run like an airline.
First, there would be two types of leagues, First Class and Coach. The first class leagues would have couches in the settee, a la Bruswick Zone XL, and the coach leagues would feature the hard swing out chairs that clip you in the thighs when you get up to bowl. You would have to pass through security when entering the center, and your bag would be checked for contraband. Tape, nail clippers, Scotchbrite, powder, and any liquid such as alcohol, cough syrup, and mouthwash would be confiscated. Your bowling balls would be delivered to your starting lanes, however 5% of the bags could be lost or delayed. Of course there would be a surcharge if you carry more than one ball into the center.
Bowling is four bucks per game if you stay on the same pair of lanes. However if you take a 40 minute break and move down to lanes 3&4 for your second game we can offer a discount. We have exclusive rights to the non stop bowling on the high end of the center, so we can charge whatever we want. Feel free to park in our lot while you are bowling. $3.00 for the first half hour and $1.00 for each additional half hour or fraction.
OOPS! We had 28 teams show up to bowl in this 24 lane center because we over booked. We are offering a free hot dog and a beer to any team willing to bowl a little later on our next available pair of lanes. We also reserve the right to cancel the leagues and shut down the house if not enough people show up to bowl. It costs us a lot of money for heat, maintenance and staff to keep the place open, so we need bowlers on every lane.
No smoking is allowed, however if you wish to puff, you may do so outside the building, but you will have to clear security when reentering. If you book your lanes more than three weeks in advance we offer a 40% discount off the regular fare which we will charge during a two week window. Then if we don’t sell enough lanes, we will practically give them away to fill the house.
You will probably need a Special Agent to cut through all this red tape unless the airlanes go through a complete Attitude Shift.