by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Contrary to popular belief, the first bowling match took place in ancient Egypt, when Ramses met Carmen Salvino in the finals of the Royal Pharoah Invitational at the Nile Brunswick Zone. In those days, a round stone was rolled at 10 elephant tusks. (They used all the square stones to make pyramids.) The prize was a Rolex sundial with a patented and inscribed diamond back. The match ended in a forfeit, as Salvino was declared the winner after Ramses was injured by five ticked off, stampeding elephants.
Bowling continued through the 15th century, and participants, looking for new lanes to conquer, enlisted mariners to take them to the new world. Although the ships were sometimes attacked by pirates, they made it safely to America and were greeted by Indians who had established an underground center at Apache Plaza. Meanwhile, other brave souls had landed in the West, having slain hundreds of marlins and devil rays to get here. They listened to stories told by Spanish Padres, of holy angels, cardinals, and national treasures like the Apache Bowl-o-Mat. These giants of the maple set out across the rockies in search of competition. In those days, they did not have astro jets, or even twin engine Cessnas. There was an old dodger named otps, who wore one white sock and one red sock when he bowled, so he knew which foot to start with on the approach. The Flying Tigers, as they were called, loaded up the old coot’s red Ford Ranger, and headed north to take on the Rolling Yankees. They encountered scores of wildlife on their trip On the ground there were grizzly bears and their cubs, and in the air, everything from bats, eagles and whooping cranes to smaller birds like blue jays and orioles In the evening they imbibed on beverages from the local brewers.
The match ended early and the Yankees were declared the winner when otps was disqualified for wearing illegal socks and a Phillies hat. Baseball is something to watch between bowling seasons.
The above essay includes all 30 MLB team nicknames. Some were singularized for context. Can you find them??