by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
The five ring circus, sometimes called the Olympics, came to us this year from Vancouver, British Columbia, a city most noted for being the home town of Justin Morneau. I have lamented in the past about bowling being snubbed by the Olympics. It really is a winter sport for most of us, so it belongs in the winter games. I have no problem with hockey, skiing, skating, or even idiots sliding down glare ice on their backs at 85 miles per hour, if that’s what they like to do. But now they have added a few more games to the menu. I thought I was watching the X games on ESPN for some segments. Half tube snowboarding? Give me a break. Skeleton racing? Never mind what thoughts enter your head. 30 different ways to ski down a mountain? Bobsleighs that look like prototypes for a space shuttle? Then I heard there would be women’s curling. I pictured beauticians armed with Lady Clairol hot shot curling irons creating Goldie Hawn hairdos from the sixties. How did the Olympic committee miss ice fishing and driveway shoveling. That’s something to which most of us can relate.
But after careful thought, I have finally realized why the bowling continues to be snubbed by the Olympics… Spandex. Although bowling shirts have improved in the last couple of years, multi colored with many endorsement logos printed on the fronts, backs, and sleeves, they are still made of soft flexible fabrics, which obviously obstruct an unencumbered path to the foul line. If bowling ever wants to make it as an Olympic sport, the powers that be at Brunswick, Columbia, Storm, et al, will need to come up with Spandex and Speedo bowling uniforms so the performers will have less wind resistance on the approaches. The uniforms would also include pants, and ankle high, hard plastic bowling boots to prevent injury if someone drops a ball on their foot. Drock needs a reward for trimming down, and this is it. Even he would look good in the Olympic Spandex bowling uniforms. Alterations would be available if Lumpy needs to trim a few inches from the bottom of the pants.
We would also need bowling helmets. They serve two purposes. First to protect the head in case one loses balance between lanes 12 and 13 where the posts in the center help hold up the roof. Second, to provide more logo space since no one would like “Go RVing” or “Vise Grips” Tattooed below the ear.
Last but not least, bowling rules are too simple. You roll the ball, you count what you get. In Olympic bowling there would be judges. It’s not enough to just get a strike. The panel would assess your balance at the foul line, the speed of the shot, how many pins you left on the deck, whether the seams of the Spandex held up for three games. No one would ever get a ten, the maximum for a crossover strike would be an eight, and controversy would abound when the Russian judge, juiced up on Vodka, started handing out 5.5s to the USA bowlers.
The bowlers will leave the games unfulfilled when, instead of medals, the winners are awarded gold, silver, and bronze refrigerator magnets.