by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Insurance has been around as long as I can remember, but it seems the fight for the insurance dollar is now a war being raged, mostly on cable TV. Just tune in for an hour or two and you will be visited by a duck, a gecko, a clever lady dressed in white, and a few old people who try to make you think that AARP will get you a better deal.
There are several basic insurance products: Life, Home, Health and Auto. Life insurance is the most interesting. It’s really a gamble. You are betting the insurance company that you will die early in life and the insurance company is laying odds that you will live a long and happy life. There are some policies that will pay you even if you don’t die. I can live with that. Most other policies are there to protect you against an unfortunate expense that would create a hardship if you had to cover it yourself. Health insurance premiums have become that sort of a hardship. We need an insurance policy to insure us against rising health insurance premiums. Lloyd’s of London will insure some oddball requests, like who will pay for the Escalade if someone makes a hole in one at the company golf event; or who will pay the million dollars if someone picks up a 7-10 split in Milwaukee. If you are playing 21 in a casino, you may buy insurance when the dealer is showing an ace. (Even a caveman knows it’s a sucker bet.)
But lately I’ve noticed insurance that wasn’t available in the past. Most noticeable is long term care and mechanical repairs for your vehicle. What’s next? Say you’re at the Mall of America and Manny Ramirez walks by you. At that moment, someone yells, “Hey Manny!”, and he turns his head and hits you in the face with some dreadlocks. Do you have insurance for that? You’re in a tournament and someone shoots 300, knocking you out of the jackpot, two brackets, and the mini eliminator. Do you have insurance for that. You’re bowling your league night, and wearing your 4 pound Pro-Release wrist brace on your bowling arm. You high five your teammate and break his wrist. Call your insurance man - it could happen. Denny Hecker owes the Bellagio and Mandalay Bay somewhere around $600,000. He didn’t have casino loss insurance. I’ll bet he wishes he did now. You played a round of golf at the TPC in Blaine and knocked 16 Pro V1 Titleists into the hazards. Did you have lost golf ball insurance?? Nooooo.
There is a market out there, so I’ve decided to establish the Allquack Insurance Co. I’ve hired a small green chicken with a Hungarian accent to be the spokesperson. It is my Allquack cluck. Most bowlers who have changed their wrist brace insurance to Allquack have saved up to $1.68.
I should point out that I have several good friends in the insurance business. I’m hoping they realize that this is all in fun, but if you feel your reputation has been damaged, give Allquack a call. We have a policy for fun poking damage, and we can compare rates with other fun poking damage policies, right over the phone. We can’t afford to give away free calculators as gifts, but if you bring us a cow, we’ll trade you for some magic beans