by Randy Ooney
This time of year it seems that everyone is involved in “last minute” Christmas shopping. I’m not sure who coined that phrase. Not even Adrian Peterson can get to the shopping center, select a gift, and go through the checkout line in a minute. But to help all those procrastinators with unfinished shopping, I have prepared a list to help all with their “Last 3 hour and 20 minute” shopping sprees. (Five hours if you bring your wife along).
For Drock - Two new diets. (Because you never get enough to eat on only one).
For Rob Stone - A boneless ham.
For Adrian Peterson - A new bicycle
For Bernard Berrian - A bicycle built for two, in case he wants to take Adrian with him.
For Denny Hecker - A 1961 Ford Falcon and a Timex watch.
For This is Dave - A Lumpy Bumpy bar. (Available exclusively at Trader Joe’s)
For Glen Perkins - A one way ticket to Rochester NY.
For Nick Punto - A one way ticket anywhere.
For Barack Obama - A video of his campaign speeches where he said he would end the war in the Middle East and eliminate pork barrel
spending. editors note: don't forget his promise of tranparency and if he keeps spending...Our Nickel's Worth is going to cost 2 bucks
For Dick Cheney - A muzzle. another editors note: So you want the Harry Pelosie to keep talking?
For Tiger Woods - A 2004 calendar so he can start over.
For Tom Petters - An instruction book on how to make license plates for other peoples’ Bentleys.
For my teammates - Three truckloads of Old Groundhog. You will need them to keep my basement stocked.
For Horsey - A GPS system so he can find his way to MSC tournaments.
For Joe Mauer - Nothing. He already has everything.
For Me - A new Escalade would be nice. I promise not to hit a tree or fireplug with it.
And now I would like to remove my tongue from my cheek and wish everyone a happy, healthy, and very Merry Christmas!