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    by Randy Ooney     


My Nickel’s Worth                                 by Randy Ooney

New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again.  Earlier, during one of the Democratic debates, the candidates were asked if they had any New Year’s resolutions.  Most responded with some feel good politico gibberish but only Bill Richardson answered honestly.  He said his resolution was the same as every year - “To lose weight”.  Okay, that works for many of us, and usually lasts until Valentine’s Day.  Here’s a few more:

1.)  I resolve not to tell my spouse I’m going to the bar to get drunk, then sneak off to the bowling center to practice instead.

2.)  I resolve never to blame the oil pattern or lane conditions for my crappy bowling.  In the future I will blame it all on bad racks.

3.)  I resolve never to leave another ten pin ever, for as long as we both shall live.

4.)  I resolve never to make fun of another bowler leaving a lily, since it wasn’t his fault - it was a bad rack.

5.)  I resolve never to kick a ball return, wall, score table, or bench in anger.  That could cause a foot injury.  Better to kick something soft, like your opponent.

6.)  I resolve never to take steroids or HGH to improve bowling ability.  (Motrin is okay).  Also never rub “The Clear” on your bowling equipment.  It doesn’t help, and it’s very difficult to get your bowling ball to pee in a cup.

7.)  I resolve never, ever, ever to call a four bagger a hambone.  Not even in jest or after ingesting a potent potable.

8.)  I resolve to support the PBA sponsors.  Stay at Motel 6, Have a few meals at Denny’s, and always clean my bowling ball with CLR.

9.)  I resolve to raise my average.  Either a few pins on the lanes, or the average amount of Bailey’s chocolate mint crème added to the coffee cup, or the average amount of Crown Royal added to the ice cubes.

10.)  And finally, I resolve never to root for the New York Yankees.  Not even when they’re playing the Tigers or White Sox, and never to root for the Dallas Cowboys, even if they’re playing Green Bay.

Best wishes to everyone in 2008 and beyond. 

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