by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
The Other Masters
Last Fall, I reported on this page, the USBC Masters Tournament in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The total purse for that affair was $350,000.00, or about the same amount a fourth place finisher will receive for his efforts at Augusta this past weekend. Bowling and Golf have always taken a back seat to the professional team sports. In the 1960s, spectator interest and prize money was a little greater for golf than bowling, but not by much. However over the past 40 years, golf has accelerated well beyond the levels of professional bowling. How can this be rectified?
Well, holding the USBC Masters at Miller Park is fine, but they should bring in 18 lanes and have them face different directions. They would need to build a waterfall that empties into Weber creek, and have it meander amongst the lanes. We would also need several thousand azalea plants throughout the venue. Also, during the telecast, make sure to play a lot of elevator music with harps, piano, and violas, and use a lot of four syllable words like magnificent, traditional, majestically, etc. There should be a few bridges for the bowlers to cross Weber Creek. The bridges need names like Kokomo Pass, Carter’s Cartpath, Anthony’s Alley, and Roth’s Runway.
We will also need clever names for the various lanes. Since lanes are nearly always in pairs, we should name the pair appropriately:
Tooth and Nail, Hammer and Tong, Rough and Ready, Abbott and Costello, Over and Under, Jack and Jill (If the lane goes uphill), Johnson & Johnson, Shock and Awe, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Cake and Ice Cream, etc. At the end of the tournament, the winner should be awarded a special traditional colored jacket with a USBC Masters logo. Although Wisconsin might object, I suggest purple because after all, green has already been taken.