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    by Randy Ooney     

My Nickel’s Worth                        by Randy Ooney




An oxymoron consists of two words or a phrase that contradicts itself.  Some of the more common ones are jumbo shrimp, Army intelligence, icy hot, or Hell’s Angel.  It seems as if a new one comes along nearly every week, for instance, airport security.  So, just for kicks, I have invented some Ooney-morons, which may or not be a oxymoron in itself, depending on your point of view:


Marion Barber - by the looks of his Manny Ramirez hairstyle, it doesn‘t look like Marion has been to a barber since he left the friendly confines of the U of M.


Cash Back -  When was the last time you made a deal on a car, and actually walked out of the place with more cash than you had when you went in.


Ten pin tap - If something had tapped the ten pin, it would have fallen.


Gopher Football - No explanation necessary here.


12 year old scotch - Everyone knows to start with beer and wine coolers.  Scotch is not for 12 year olds.  No one should drink Scotch until they’re at least 16.


Redwood Fence - Go ahead, steal some redwood.  Then just try to find a fence who will take it off your hands.


Flat Ball - Christopher Columbus first discovered that some things that are believed to be flat are not what they seem.  Did you leave an 8-10 or a lily?  It doesn’t matter, when your ball comes back it will still be round.


Ten pin tap -  If your first ball left all ten pins, you did not get tapped.  You tossed it into the gutter.  Try again.


Global Warming -  A very controversial subject in the recent past.  We can talk about this one while I’m chipping ice from my driveway.


Tax Return -  In order to return something you must first have acquired it.  When you fill out your 1040 and mail it in, what are you actually returning?  I guess the form is returned since the IRS sent it to you first.  But that would be a form return, no one ever sent me any tax.


Toothbrush - Show me the person who ony brushes one tooth, and I’ll show you someone with 27 green teeth.


Minnesota Twins - I’ve been to the games, watched them on TV, and perused hundreds of baseball cards, and I can’t find any two of those guys who look alike.


The Strib had an article this week claiming that 2010 would be a great year because there are ten pins in bowling.  So here’s to everyone adding ten pins to their average in 2010.  “Should Auld year average be forgot…..”      



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