by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
An oxymoron consists of two words or a phrase that contradicts itself. Some of the more common ones are jumbo shrimp, Army intelligence, icy hot, or Hell’s Angel. It seems as if a new one comes along nearly every week, for instance, airport security. So, just for kicks, I have invented some Ooney-morons, which may or not be a oxymoron in itself, depending on your point of view:
Marion Barber - by the looks of his Manny Ramirez hairstyle, it doesn‘t look like Marion has been to a barber since he left the friendly confines of the U of M.
Cash Back - When was the last time you made a deal on a car, and actually walked out of the place with more cash than you had when you went in.
Ten pin tap - If something had tapped the ten pin, it would have fallen.
Gopher Football - No explanation necessary here.
12 year old scotch - Everyone knows to start with beer and wine coolers. Scotch is not for 12 year olds. No one should drink Scotch until they’re at least 16.
Redwood Fence - Go ahead, steal some redwood. Then just try to find a fence who will take it off your hands.
Flat Ball - Christopher Columbus first discovered that some things that are believed to be flat are not what they seem. Did you leave an 8-10 or a lily? It doesn’t matter, when your ball comes back it will still be round.
Ten pin tap - If your first ball left all ten pins, you did not get tapped. You tossed it into the gutter. Try again.
Global Warming - A very controversial subject in the recent past. We can talk about this one while I’m chipping ice from my driveway.
Tax Return - In order to return something you must first have acquired it. When you fill out your 1040 and mail it in, what are you actually returning? I guess the form is returned since the IRS sent it to you first. But that would be a form return, no one ever sent me any tax.
Toothbrush - Show me the person who ony brushes one tooth, and I’ll show you someone with 27 green teeth.
Minnesota Twins - I’ve been to the games, watched them on TV, and perused hundreds of baseball cards, and I can’t find any two of those guys who look alike.
The Strib had an article this week claiming that 2010 would be a great year because there are ten pins in bowling. So here’s to everyone adding ten pins to their average in 2010. “Should Auld year average be forgot…..”