My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
We can’t all be winners, so the world has become infatuated with the “Top Ten” in everything including movies, batting averages, recordings, home runs, sales charts, quarterback proficiency, and Michael Jackson in depth specials on ET. If you are eleventh, you may as well be 145th, because if you’re not in the top ten, nobody cares. I’m proud to say that my Friday night classic team has finished in the top ten every year since the league was cut from 12 to 10 teams.
So I consulted with my friend, Arvid Leatherman, to determine the Top Ten reasons why people bowl, and here are the results:
10.) People enjoy smoking cigarettes in the fresh air 5 degree weather and using those cute ash trays that look like a 5 gallon gas can painted yellow with the three foot tube sticking up.
9.) Bowling is more fun that playing Farkle on Facebook.
8.) It’s very difficult to find a white ball on Minnesota golf courses in January, and even more difficult to read the whites and putt.
7.) They mute the TV sound of the ball game at the bowling center so you don’t have to listen to Beavis and Blyhead call the game.
6.) Bowling costs less than a round of golf, Viking tickets, Valleyfair, an evening at the casino, a box of baseball cards, or dinner at a restaurant whose name doesn’t start with Mc.
5.) Bowling centers are a safe haven from the effects of global warming. There are no ultra violet rays, and the only ice that’s melting is in the VO manhattan on the rocks with a little bit of cherry juice.
4.) All bowlers can save up to $473.00 just by changing their car insurance to a different company.
3.) If no one bowled, proprietors and pro shop guys would have to seek alternative employment. Lumpy could open a body builder’s gym, but would you buy a car from Al Loth? How about having Brent Prentice cut your hair? Can you visualize Jeff Kristal flipping pancakes at the local Perkins?
2.) Many people are bowling this year in order to obtain priority lanes in the new outdoor bowling center opening next Spring.
And the Number 1 reason why people bowl …
There is not a decent variety of sports to watch on winter weekdays in the W minus G era. (Wolves less Garnett; Wild less Gaborik). And when Joe Mauer is finished winning batting championships and playing baseball with his tools of ignorance, he takes time to bowl in the off season. And every man, woman, boy, and girl in America wants to be like Joe Mauer.