by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Congratulations to all who have nearly made it through another year of bowling, golf, and mediocre sports. Ever since I started bowling, three consecutive strikes in the same game was called a turkey. This makes about as much sense as calling four consecutive strikes a hambone. This column will never have a hambone of the year, but I am pleased to present the annual Turkey of the Year award for 2012. This year the nominating committee met at Target Field in October, since nothing was going on there. Previous awardees Patrick Ruesse and Brad Childress refused to attend. Other recipients Denny Hecker and Jerry Sandusky wanted to attend, but could not get out of prison.
Once again there were many nominations to consider. We just endured months of campaigning which included several debates among the presidential candidates. I realize that it is difficult to tell two men who are running for the highest office in the land to “Shut up, your time is up”, but both Jim Lehrer and Cathy Crowley lost control and the debates turned into debacles.
Kingpin is back on the ballot. Rumor has it that he followed the Bucs into town one Thursday. The Vikings made a mess and the Pin went home smiling. Horsey can never be a turkey, but he’s on the ballot after finishing a new ball park for the Marlins. Speaking of the Marlins, Ozzie Guillen lasted only one year as manager. He got off on the wrong turkey foot by proclaiming Castro wasn’t such a bad guy, then managed the Marlins to 93 losses! I guess that’s just Ozzie being Ozzie. But then owner Jeff Loria thanked the Miami community for the new park by sending Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, and Josh Johnson to Toronto for a few prospects and a bag of balls. Florida may be short of voting machines but there is no shortage or turkeys.
Four star turkey David Petraeus has been in the news lately for adulteress turkey activity. Interesting that he was the head man at the most secretive organization in the United States, but he couldn’t keep his shenanigans under wraps. Gobble gobble, general, and thanks for giving my wife gossip to read between crossword puzzles. Back home, Gopher basketball has kicked off with 42 year old Trevor Mbakwe, who rewarded the Big Ten + 2 and the NCAA for giving him another year of eligibility by tacking a DWI onto his previous probation. This is baggage of which only Royce White and J.R. Rider would be proud. Not sure if he learned it from assistant coach, and Tubby’s little boy Seth, who managed a DWI of his own. Sorry, I know people sometimes make errors of judgment, but DWIs endanger innocent lives.
Local bowling turkeys - drock is stuffed and ready, Marcus Mingo cannot seem to find the volume knob under one of his wings, and I have to give turkey consideration to Lumpy at AMF Saxon for developing a pattern for an MSC tournament that made it nearly impossible to get three strikes in a row, unless two were crossovers.
I am not sure who would be considered the bigger turkey. In one corner we have Mark Dayton wanting to pull the plug on the Vikings Stadium even though his objection is a provision that he approved months ago. But in the other corner we have multi millionaire Zygi Wilf trying to coax Vikings season ticket holders to cough up a huge hunk of cash for a “personal seat license”, so that the Zyg man won’t have to pay any of his commitment on the ballpark. When I was in High School, my friends and I went to many Viking games at the Met. We sat in the High School section at the corner of an end zone. Ticket price – one dollar. Bob Dylan was right – the times, they were a changin’.
The voting is complete. Turkey of the year – Unanimous. Standing on the left side of the podium, turkey Jerry Kill. On the right side, President Eric Kaler. High in the center and Turkey of the Year, none other than University of Minnesota Athletic Director Norwood Teague. Norwood gets the high praise and final authority on the payment of $800,000 to the University of North Carolina, to back out of a home and home football game commitment. Too bad I don’t have a chicken of the year award. Colonel Sanders would be proud. I am afraid the football Golden Gophers became the Yellow Gophers, or as they say in North Carolina, Yella’.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! (And I will be giving thanks for people not calling it Turkey Day.)