by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Turkey of the Year
Bowling Centers are busy, Golf courses are closing. It must be time for the annual Turkey of the Year awards for 2013. The Turkey board met this year at Target Field, since nothing goes on there after October 1 anymore. For 51 weeks out of the year, a turkey is simply three strikes in succession in any given game. But on this special week it becomes .38 per pound with a $25.00 purchase, or ……….
No one knows the whereabouts of previous Turkey award winners Brad Childress and the AMF manager. Jerry Sandusky and Denny Hecker are safely tucked away behind walls. Norwood Teague is basking in the Limelight of the non North Carolina scheduled Gopher football program, so that leaves only Patrick Ruesse who continues to scream on the garage logic program on ESPN radio.
Speaking of 1500 ESPN, our first candidate is none other than Jeff Dubay, who shares the mike in the morning with my friend Judd Zulgad. The “Duber” breaks every journalistic rule in the book with his fast talk and profanity, and he is never shy about his opinion. Jim Souhan is often interviewed on the program and his turkey feathers grew when he suggested in print that Jerry Kill be fired. Gobble, gobble Mr. Souhan. No one should lose their job due to a health condition, and the Gophers seem to be doing pretty well under the situational adjustment.
Speaking of coaches that should lose their job, who in the world is calling plays for our Vikings? C’mon Les – kick the field goal against the Cowboys, don’t let Ponder pass from the end zone, and two timeouts when Washington did not have any left?
In our bowling world, have a drumstick from drock. Daron is too big to be a turkey, but he likes seeing his name in print. Horsey, no one eats horse for Thanksgiving – too tough, and the stuffing tastes like hay. Tom Tomaras of Brunswick who suggested that the Meanstreak beatdown might be this millenium’s edition of a Brunswick Combat Zone. Sorry Tom, but they’re not very close, and don’t blame Smilin’ Carl. He drilled a perfect copy. No matter how many different bowling balls you may have brought to the MSC tournament at Saxon Lanes, your scores all started with one. So candidate Langer is on the ballot for the first time this year. Turkey Tom Havlish has a banner on this very website with advice that the drop down menus will be fixed. We turkey lovers are wondering if that will come sooner or later than the Affordable Healthcare software.
Speaking of insurance, how can these companies offer lower premiums when they seem to be spending a hefty percentage of their money on TV advertising? I noticed that Humana has purchased a ton of TV time to sell Medicare supplements, but the Star Trib ratted them out for not paying claims. That’s one way to save money I suppose.
So, Turkey of the year balloting took a page from the Minneapolis Mayoral contest, and the board ranked their selections 1,2,3. The overwhelming majority of voters for Turkey of the year have selected Twins GM Terry Ryan. He traded away not one but two center fielders, Span and Revere, for replacements to our Turkey processing plant in Rochester, NY. Then he gave us Aaron Hicks, who can’t seem to hit water if he fell out of a boat. Don’t blame the budget, Tampa and Oakland seem to come up with decent pitchers. And don’t expect people to buy tickets to get an All Star seat. 50% of the fan base are tuning out FSN. How can they hear Bert announcing the SECOND major league DEBUT for Kyle Gibson?
Number two in the voting is Dave Langer, who receives the award of mashed potato of the year. And we all know how we feel about Lumpy mashed potatoes.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!