My Nickel’s Worth by Randy Ooney
Turkey of the Year
Time flies when you’re having fun, although despite Les Nessman’s premonition, turkeys need assistance to get off the ground. Last year’s award winning turkey, Patrick Ruesse, probably even needs two seats in a Delta jet to aviate. They don’t call those planes “wide body” for nothing. For 51 weeks out of the year, a turkey is simply three strikes in succession in any given game. But on this special week it becomes .38 per pound with a $25.00 purchase, or ……….
Our second annual “Turkey of the Year” banquet was held last night at the Gobbler in Johnson City Wisconsin. The nominating committee wishes to remain anonymous, and once again there were plenty of worthy nominees.
Our first nominees are from the almost first place Minnesota Twins, Mike Lamb and Adam Everett. If it walks like a turkey, hits like a turkey, throws like a turkey, it’s a turkey. Then from our favorite football team, the Williams boys, who actually think they can lose weight by taking a pill. Ever since the phen phen days, you have got to know that doesn’t work. If you think exercise is many reps of lifting the turkey and mashed potatoes from the plate to your mouth, you’re in trouble.
In the bowling world, our pal Horsey once again gets the nod, for his association with Mr. Hinderlick, and a questionable post about who can pick up a spare. The Florida Flash, Mr. Kingpin, is etched on the ballot, and remains hopeful after the disappointment of not winning last year. The Rays know how he feels. Sheesh was disappointed last year for not making the ballot. This year he is a write in candidate.
The nominating committee had a strong voice in naming the medical staff who gave our friend Tom Corbett a new hip, and as a bonus added an inch or so to one of his legs. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Tom is going to change his name to Eileen.
Eight times in my lifetime we have had a lame duck president, but this year we have a lame turkey, who leaves office with an approval rating lower than the Timberwolves.
Our staff took no time at all in nominating the executives of AIG, who after accepting 85 billion dollars of taxpayer money, took a $400,000.00 junket to a fancy California resort, presumably to discuss how they could spend the rest of the money on themselves. The city of Worthington was surpassed as turkey capital of the world by none other than New York City, whose investment bankers gobbled up tons of paper and left the rest of us up the proverbial creek without a paddle. New York clinched it when the Yankees were added to the turkey coop.
The CEO’s of the formerly “Big Three” auto companies flew to Washington DC this week in their luxury private jets, then took their limos to Capitol Hill with a tin cup in their hand to beg for money. Check the parking lot at the soup kitchen next week for Escalades and Navigators.
But even with all of these deserving candidates, the committee took little time in selecting the 2008 Turkey of the Year………… The unnamed big shot from AMF who decided to relieve Lumpy from his duties at Southtown Lanes. In addition to being a consistently great bowler for as long as I can remember, Dave is a great person and knows about managing a bowling center. I am already seeing tournaments lining up to try the new lanes at Treasure Island. The Island is calling, and Bloomington’s loss is the Island’s gain.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!